Mortality and countless “what ifs” suddenly begin to dominate your mind and affect your conversations once you have seemingly dodged a date with death. This is especially true as you face the follow up doctor’s appointments, try to gauge the effectiveness of new medications, and submit to a new battery of tests. There are natural internal and external questions bouncing around in your mind without rhyme or reason. In the case of Colleen and I, there are also a few morbid attempts at humor. The truth of the matter is you are just trying to talk your way through the aftermath, searching for a balance between concern and fear. One thing neither of us can do is forget what I just survived and the looming darkness that will hang over us until we get through this post event slate of consultation, testing, and diagnosis.
There is the effort to try to see old friends and family as you realize that those times are not guaranteed and could have just been snatched away in the blink of an eye. Of course, it can’t happen all at once so there is a lot of scheduling negotiations and interim phone conversations. This is all done as the doctor’s words reverberate within your soul, that advice of “don’t live in fear but do live with awareness and caution.”
For me, it was the thoughts of not being able to say “good-bye” that dominated my thinking while I sat in the Emergency Room. I was not worried about the after life or my relationship with God. My life of triumphs and regrets did not flash between my eyes or linger in my brain. It was just that burning need to see everyone one more time that gripped my attention like nothing else.
We are fortunate in that all of the living wills, powers of attorney, medical powers of attorney, and trusts have all been addressed. That does not leave Colleen without care but it does remove some of the immediate concerns. Less dialed in is who needs to be notified if the worst were to happen, what the arrangements would look like, and who would be her primary sources of support in the short and long term? Of course, there is an unspoken plan and an assumption of who would be available but there is not a strategic plan.
Then (and this is is where it gets messy), there are all of the things that she doesn’t realize could disappear rather abruptly, leaving her grasping for answers and guidance. Answers and guidance that might not be readily available. These are things that can’t necessarily be outsourced quickly so she would have to find a way to overcome the adversity for at least a few days.
For instance:
Who would remind her that sometimes there is just a time for Waylon Jennings? It is good for the soul! It is even better for the soul if someone is attempting to sing along with him…….
Who would let her know that the joy of football season was right around the corner? Once it started who would be there to let her know the home team had scored a touchdown? Not just any guy can do that with the same enthusiasm that I bring to the table and life just isn’t complete without knowing those things!
Who would set off the thrilling search for misplaced keys, coffee mugs, sunglasses, or shoes?
Who would carry on the conversations with the talking heads on television? Lord knows, every home needs someone to put them in their place!
Who would carry on the conversations with the dogs? Again, not just everyone can speak to the dogs, point out the obvious to them, and interpret their conversations.
Who could possibly replace me as the handler of the Mighty Tundra? It is a macho machine that needs a firm but tender touch. The Mighty Tundra could become rather temperamental real fast if that isn’t addressed properly!
What would she do without the random tootsie roll or cough drop wrappers that seem to appear in the oddest of places? Or the contact lenses that seem to pop out of eyes on their own volition?
Finally, as she pointed out the other day, who would strategically place the cloth lens colored wipes through out the house so that you never had to search for one?
I am praying that we have time to find answers for these questions but, at least, I have raised these on her radar so that she is not shocked to the core if the worst were to happen……..
Well said. We all get to an age where we're faced with our mortal reality. For you it's not age but a very real and suddenly immediate fact of life. I have a feeling that your time hasn't come because you have more to accomplish with the blessings others get from your existence. Colleen and the dogs need you. And you need all of them.
Those are tough moments. I really like how you're handling it, though. Humor is always best. In fact, I think that's why humor exists. Life is hard on all of us, and it gets so hard that ultimately, we have to bust, and we do...in laughter. It's like the internal geyser waiting to erupt. And there is always time to listen to Waylon Jennings. Hehe. Amazing post, Kevin. So real and deep and light-hearted at the same time. You have quite the way with words.